Last Will And Testament
Last Will And Testament of Gilford Grimsby
I, Gilford Grimsby, being of Sound Mind, and Disliking Solicitors, especially my own Solicitor, Mr. Gaunt, who is a sniveling Stick-In-The-Mud and REFUSED to write this Will out properly, have decided to do it myself. I ask that as a final favor to a loyal client, Gaunt, you read this out, in a loud, clear voice, to my grieving family.
I hereby bequeath…
To Sneakfork, my butler and illegitimate Son, I leave an annual sum of 5,000 pounds, to be paid him as long as he remains Butler at Grimsby Hall. I advise him strongly to use the first Installment to pay off his gambling debts. They are piling up, rather, and it is difficult to serve as an effective Butler with a broken leg.
To Maria Grimsby, my wife, I leave Grimsby Hall for her life-time, and a sum of 10,000 pounds per annum. The Hall shall remain hers, and the money be paid, until her death, as long as she keeps Sneakfork on as Butler. If Sneakfork quits himself, or dies, she is released from this obligation.
To My Worthless Son Walter Grimsby, I leave the contents of the wine-cellar, for his own use, absolutely.
To My Unpleasant Daughter Hermione Grimsby, I leave the contents of a secret safe, to be found behind the Sargent portrait in the study. You will find the collection of letters etc. that I have stored there will satisfy even your boundless curiosity about things that are none of your business; you may also, if you are as unscrupulous as I think you are, find said letters etc. to be financially renumerative.
To My Respectable Brother Peter Grimsby, I leave the body in the locked trunk in the basement. I have hidden it for you long enough. You may also retain the ornate dagger (for your own use, absolutely) that is, I presume, still lodged in the deceased’s back.
To My Decadent and Syphilitic Brother Reginald, I leave my entire collection of fire-arms, ammunition, etc., for his own use absolutely. I also make Reginald my residuary Legatee, and, if any Beneficiary dies within 1 year of my decease, his or her inheritance shall go to Reginald.
To My Tedious Nephew Cecil, I leave my collection of insects; I do hope you will keep the family very fully informed on all that you learn from the study of same.
I hereby Attest that this is my Last Will And Testament
Signed in the Presence of:
Elsie Cook, Parlourmaid
Mrs. G. Burnbottom, Cook
Dr. Ivor Dose, G.P.
Notes: Mr. Grimsby was NOT a nice man, though he does draft an entertaining will. But Hermione, though tiresome, is not really as bad as all that… I think… anyway, she is, more or less, an old school-chum of mine, so… so I suppose I shall have to poke my nose into this hornet’s nest. One cannot just allow the Grimsby family to slaughter one another. Not Cricket.
Bonus Material: My Featured Image for this post!
Thank you Open ClipArt Library for the hand and skeleton!