Monday, 1st November
My Dears! I know that you all read my Little Weekly Effort because I ‘dish the dirt’ – with a Vengeance! And I have SUCH dirt for you today, I hardly know where to begin! But I suppose I’ll tell you about what Everyone Who Is Anyone is talking about – the MURDER of the prettiest Bright Young Thing to grace London since – well, since I was in my Prime! I don’t Name Names (as you know, my dears), but my Information is Always Reliable (as the Young Men say when they have a Hot Tip on the Races! Oh, I AM wicked, I know!). But really, the poor little poppet belonged in this column (indeed, her Conquests have appeared in this Column before, and with fair regularity; it DOES seem right, somehow, that I write about her just ONE more time); she left a trail of Jilted Lovers behind her as long as the line at the Moving Pictures Palaces when the posters outside say “Starring Miss Clara Bow.”
Why, I saw the poor thing myself. with my two blue eyes, just last week (and she was blooming with health then, and in High Spirits). She was with a certain young Sporting Member of the Aristocracy, Giving Him The Brush-A-Roo.
And he wasn’t liking it a bit! Really, his reaction was POS-I-TIVELY Alarming! I wonder if it could have been his hands- so good with the Cricket Bat- that… well, I really don’t care to Speculate farther! Surely, though, no gentleman could have done this, I hear you cry, and OF COURSE I agree! All I AM saying is that, if the police DO start looking in High Society for their Nasty Old Murderer, they’ll find SUSPECTS GALORE! Why, if you turn to Page 57 of your most recent Debrett’s, you’ll find three- THREE – young men listed there who have had their hearts TRAMPLED ON by the dear departed’s dainty wee feet! In fact… but alas! I fear that my editor (who is SO severe with little me! Such a Dominant Brute! He calls this column the “Women’s Sphere,” and says it belongs in a Home!) says I MUST NOT exceed my Word Count, as it would Interfere with his silly old Lay-Out- so I am AFRAID that you’ll have to wait until Next Week’s Column, when I will Tell All- or, at any rate, More!
Til then, my lovelies, I remain,
Notes: “Dear” little “Anonymous’s” next column of poisonous supposition did not appear this week… I fear that whomever she was attempting to blackmail in this little article must have decided to Silence Her For Good… she was NEVER very good at keeping her identity a secret… especially since she speaks EXACTLY as she writes! …I note with a queer sense of dread that two of the words I just wrote are in ALL CAPITALS, and that I also used an exclamation point… could her writing style be CONTAGIOUS?… at any rate, the woman seems to have vanished from the London scene rather abruptly, and I Fear the Worst.