A homely, domestic poison; to be used in Disposal of rats, husbands, and rich old relatives. Great Uncle Filbert seems unkillable, you say? He has survived a fall down the stairs, a head-on collision with a speeding Omnibus, and a mild attack of Stabbing? And now he is laid up in his bed, plucking feverishly at the coverlet and talking of Alterations to his Will?
His Solicitor arriving for Tea, you say?
Give him a nutritious breakfast of Arsenic TODAY!
“My dear, I found him positively Cheating – that young widow down the street, you know- absolutely In Flagrante! Well, just a pinch or so of the stuff, and now Mrs. Merry Widow has some real competition!”
“Great-Aunt Theodora became rather a Spiritualist after the death of her husband. We were ALWAYS sitting down to a nice seance and a little chat with the Dear Departed. Well, THAT was alright, though a little gloomy, and the Dear Departed do say the most Insipid things, I always think. But THAT we would have borne. You know us. But when Aunt Theo started talking about leaving all of her nice money to that wicked old Madame Crepusky- and if that was her real name, I’ll eat any hat you like- WELL. ‘Madame Crepusky has brought my Hugo back to me!’ she would say. ‘I owe her My All for that.’ And that Would Not Do. And so we sent for the 25 cent Large Economy Bottle of Alfred’s Arsenical Aelixir (we Insist On The Best, we do) and – well, all I can say is, we’re quite comfortable now.”
ARSENIC – The Woman’s Weapon… OF CHOICE!
Household Tip: Ladies, it is a False Economy to buy low-quality Arsenic. Insist on The Best when you lay your Loved One to Rest- Buy Alfred’s Arsenical Aelixir, available in the 5 cent starter-size, the 25 cent economy size, and the new 30 cent Family size!
Notes: The Dowager Duchess of ____ really should NOT have kept this; everyone knew she disliked her daughter-in-law and thought she was Lowering the Tone.