Makewar, Hugo

Excerpt from Lighthouse Rogues’ Gallery

Makewar, Hugo

General Notes

Hugo Makewar is the first known time traveler. He is also on The Lighthouse’s Top Ten All-Time Biggest Threats To Temporal Stability list. 

No-one else has ever successfully traveled through time using Hugo Makewar’s device (where a successful journey is defined as one you return from). Lighthouse time travel tech therefore owes little to Makewar. It is even possible that our tech and the Makewar Device operate under completely different natural laws.

Tech and Weaponry:

An iDictaBrain. Makewar traveled (or travels; the question of whether Makewar ought to be considered as continuing to exist is beyond the scope of this entry; consult Philosophy Department if you need briefing on this issue) into his future as well as his past, and thus has a fairly up-to-date iDictaBrain. In fact, in an alternate timeline, he causes the iDictaBrain to be developed in 2035, so that, by the time of his birth, prenatal installation is available. This timeline, which Rippled in at 3.6 Hugos, has been detached from our reality, and possibly no longer exists in any form—except, strangely, on an early-Digital Era blaugh, Atherton’s Magic Vapour (see note at end of entry). Anyway, the guy’s got an iDictaBrain.

The Makewar Device. Or, rather, The Makewar Devices; he is always losing them. Yes, that last sentence ought to frighten you. Makewar will have at least one Device with him, wherever he is, and however naked he seems to be. It looks awfully like a pocket watch. Experimental Tech has one somewhere, though when we asked to see it, they said they’d lost it.

We suspect that the monocle has either some technological utility or some totemic significance.

In terms of weaponry, it is impossible to say what Makewar might be carrying. He likes weapons. A lot. And he tends to accumulate them rapidly. The only thing he will not sacrifice for the sake of carrying more weapons is the line of his suit. Still, he’s pretty good at arranging his arsenal so that this does not occur.

D.O.B.: April 1, 2184

Place of Birth: Anchorage, Alaska

Date of Death: the first known Makewar demise, taken chronologically (in terms of world history; the chronology of Makewar’s personal history is, at this point, an impossible tangle of inconsistencies and blatant impossibilities), occurs on Aug. 5, 3105 (B.C.E), at Stonehenge, where he seems to have attempted to con the people working on the site into re-arranging the stones such that they would spell out an obscene message when writing became a thing and that particular word became popular. The workmen, probably disliking his gleaming monocle and his obviously alien clothes, fell upon him and killed him, whereupon his body disappeared (this seems to be standard for Makewar deaths). This apparent miracle caused a Ripple that hit the present day at 2.1 Hugos.

The most recent known Makewar demise occurred in 3078, on Lighthouse premises, where, following a mock trial, the man was executed. Docs are a bit scarce, suggesting that many of the participants in this process were reluctant to accept responsibility, but there is a note stating that Makewar’s body was “not available for experimentation.” Probably, this means that it vanished, which itself probably means that Makewar survived this death as well.

Quotes:

“I’m from the future!”

“Hey, HEY! Listen, why doncha? Geez, it’s like they don’t understand English!”

“No, really, the future! Here, let me prove it to you.”

“Yeah, I’m totally taking this. I mean, who’s gonna miss it?”

“Yep. I’m a time traveler.” (Whispers) “Anyone could be. Trust no-one.”

“You know what would be really funny? Shooting the Emperor/King/Queen/President. Here, I’ll go first, and then you try.”

Description:

Hugo Makewar is short and well-nourished. He has a bearing somewhere between an Emperor and God Almighty. His eyes burn with a hedonistic joy. His hair is slicked back with some substance that defies analysis. He wears a monocle. You will generally spot him right away, because he will be flagrantly—defiantly—out of place, wherever he is. The man in formal Pre-Digital evening wear strolling among the togas in the Roman forum? Probably Hugo Makewar.

Instructions:

If seen, DO NOT approach UNLESS the following conditions are ALL met:

• You have passed the following Training Courses:

Makewar Psychology

Makewar Physiognomy

Philosophy of Time Travel, Levels 1, 2, and 3

AND

• You have Clearance of at least Level 6

AND

• Your brief specifically includes such an approach

If these conditions are not met, return to The Lighthouse ASAP and report sighting.

 

 

Note:

Atherton’s Magic Vapour

The existence and purpose of the online entity known as Atherton’s Magic Vapour has baffled scholars for a millennium. Why did Melanie Atherton Allen, the alleged author of the blaugh, decide to make it? Why did she call it Atherton’s Magic Vapour? Why did blaugh activity spike every April? Why did she often use British spelling conventions, when all available records suggest she was an American?

Darker mysteries also abound. Why and how did Atherton write about Hugo Makewar centuries before Makewar’s birth, when no contact between them has ever been established? How and why did Atherton’s Magic Vapour survive Atherton’s own decease, eventually becoming AthMagVap, the “Blaugh and News-Vendor” for which Hugo Makewar nominally worked from 2210 to 2225?

But all other questions pale into insignificance when set beside the following query: how–and why–did Atherton post, in 2018, a series called “The Lighthouse Agent’s A to Z Guide,” which reproduces exactly the text of this very document?